“What is that?” You may ask?

Here is the definition from Urban Dicationary: 

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

What a beautiful definition. As I read that I can’t help but think of the original promise behind the rainbow. The Lord sent a world wide flood over the earth back in Genesis. It says it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Then after the waters receded and the ark landed on solid ground the Lord sent a rainbow for Noah and his family. The first rainbow there had ever been and it was a promise to Noah and to us that a flood like that would never happen again.

God was promising that even in that terrible storm that killed and destroyed so many, there is hope and a bright future. He promised that good was to come.

I find great joy in the original meaning of the rainbow and how this ‘urban’ definition so clearly states the same, but in reference to a pregnancy.

We’ve had one rainbow baby and that was Xanthie. We had an early loss between the girls.  I remember early in my pregnancy with Xanthie being grateful for how sick I felt. With the prior loss I had felt absolutely fine, so good in fact, that I hardly believed I could be pregnant. With Xanthie, I felt sicker than any other pregnancy prior. It was miserable, but I was grateful. Grateful to know that things were progressing and that such nausea means there is a healthy and strong placenta being built.

So my question now… will we have another? I hope so, I would really like to have another child. We really wanted Avi, and it would be nice to want another. But before we start trying just thinking about it makes me worry.

I had felt very sick with Avi and had no energy and felt sorry for my children… I was short tempered and only wanted to lay on the couch. All seemed to be going well… normally in fact. It felt like my other pregnancies. I didn’t have any food cravings, but I had some strong food aversions just like when I was pregnant with the boys… so I thought perhaps we were having a boy. I was right! But we had a boy way too early.

Am I too old? Am I not healthy enough? Do I need to take extra vitamins? Do I have a clotting disorder? Are there other significant health issues I need to address? Is there something wrong with me? Will I only hope for Avi, or will I rejoice in another baby for who he or she may be. I think when the time comes I will be much more fearful and struggle with being joyful and trusting God that he will bring a baby to my arms, alive and healthy.

I’ve recently started a new job at NOVA Natural Birthing Center as a RN birth assistant. I absolutely love it! Seeing birth over and over never ceases to amaze me. It’s a miracle every time. Each time a baby is born I marvel… THAT just came out of a belly! It’s beautiful and glorious. Being around healthy births has helped me I think. It gives me hope that it can happen again. A baby can be born, crying, breathing, moving…

Sometimes I leave a birth feeling a bit sad that it isn’t me… or remembering Avi and wishing for what should have been. But I’m glad that I’m reminded of him. I’m glad that I get to think of him often and never forget. My arms still often ache not having him here, but it’s getting better. One day at a time.

And hopefully… one day… I will hold another rainbow baby of my own!