It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. But it also seems like eternity as well. Today as we celebrate and grieve our little boy I think of all the milestones I’ve missed. I’ve missed the first smile, the first coos, giggles, and belly laughs. I didn’t get to count the first teeth, the first rolls, playing with toys, learning to crawl and then the little toddles and first steps. I have thought about these things over the last year and not a day has gone by that I don’t think about him.
This past year does seem like a fog. It’s gone so fast and then there are times that it has stood still. There have been times of happiness and business and I think about what it would have been like with a 2 month old, a 5 month old or what his first birthday party would have been like or who would have been there.
There are days I’ve loaded the car with kiddos to head to a class or grocery shopping or the library and wonder how much longer it would have taken us with a small baby. I would have to change a diaper and nurse a baby before walking out the door. The diaper bag would need to be stocked with diapers and baby food packed with the kids lunches. I’ve thought of the time that would have taken, and I think of how much easier it is to get out the door, but I would give it all up to have him here.
Would he have enjoyed the pool? What would his first Christmas have been like? Would he have any allergies like the other kids? Would Xanthie increase her crazy antics to make him smile? Would I rely on Tonchi even more and give him more responsibility than I should ask of an 8 year old? Would I have not cuddled Aisling as much or heard her when she tries to talk to me? Would Koa have stepped up and been a bit more responsible? How would this baby have changed our lives?
This baby has changed our lives… especially mine over this last year. It’s changed a lot. I love more. I slow down more. I read more. I ask for help more. I stop when I can’t go anymore. I rest more. I accept a loving hand more. I hug more. I cry more. I talk less. I’m softer, weaker, sadder, more thoughtful, more prayerful, more hopeful for Heaven. I’ve also been angry, overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, easily irritated… I’m a work in progress… aren’t we all? I feel like this last year has been more work and more progress. I like some of the changes and not some of the others. Avi’s little life has helped bring some of these changes. His affect lingers and will continue to do so.
I still miss you, a lot, Avi. I think of you everyday. 1 year is gone, but you aren’t any less loved.