What does every day look like? It’s different. I hope it changes. I know it all won’t go away, but I want it to get a bit better. Grief is still so close to the surface. Someone can just say something kind or show they care and the tears will well up in my eyes. Sometimes I want to sit and do nothing. Other times I’m so restless that I can’t sit still, but I don’t want to do anything. I want something to do or think about that can get me out of thinking about this life right now, but it takes too much energy. I want to sleep. I want to be warm. I want friends around me.
More baby announcements… two new babies to arrive this year, one baby did arrive this week and another 20 week baby lost this week. All of them make me cry and bring overwhelming emotion. I’m happy for the new baby announcements, but it makes me wish I was one of them. I also hope and pray they make it to their due dates and arrive safely. I’m anxious for both babies. Tears of joy for the new baby arrived to a loving family who waited long for this little one. And tears of sadness and heartbreak over another loss of a dear loved baby. I’m breaking with emotion. Overwhelmed with sadness and joy, expectation and loss.
These announcements don’t seem out of the ordinary, for the most part (except another missing baby) but they bring so much emotion. The fog has returned. There is so much to think about. It doesn’t go out of my mind. It’s encircling my heart and mind, it fills my days. It makes it hard to focus and move through the motions of the days and weeks. I go out of the house and it doesn’t feel normal. The sun isn’t as bright, the days don’t have the sparkle and excitement they used to.
I want that back.
I want to be filled with joy again. I want to have the sun shine warm on my face and smile back at the world. But my world has changed. A lot. I wonder if those days will ever fully come back. I don’t think they will. There will always be a part of me that is missing. Sorrow that doesn’t completely go away. Sorrow that returns with news of new loss.
Heaven will be the day that the Son is warm on my face. I will sing in His glory and grace. My children will be alive again, reunited… but most importantly reunited with the Savior who has seen me through dark days and brings me into His light. Every day I remember my babies; Every day I look to my Savior. Every day is a new day to be lived for Him. Every day is another day to step out in faith that it will be a bit better.