I feel like I have so much to say and yet not so much to say at the same time. It’s been a hard past few weeks as evidenced by my last post. Just a deep yearning for a new little one to join our family and yet that time hasn’t come. It seemed that time would come about a year ago and yet that yearning has been denied twice. I thought my life would be so different than it is… and it is so different that I had expected.
Because of a dear friend, every time I see a cardinal I think of dear baby Avi… and also thanks to her… once the monarchs return it will be a reminder of Jussie. It’s such a blessing to have unexpected sightings of these birds and insects to remind me of my boys. There is a part of me that wants to forget the sorrow and pain and remove the clouds and darkness and have only light return, but at the same time I don’t want to forget. These boys were so loved by me and the kids and Brian. They shouldn’t be forgotten. And they won’t be forgotten. I do want the pain to be forgotten, but it never will be. It’s a new normal. Not to ever change. Pain to last for the rest of my life. But a pain I don’t want to forget either. I still haven’t gotten used to this… will I ever?
There are many who have done this before me… I’ve been told that the rawness heals a bit, but it never completely goes away. And sometimes the rawness unexpectedly returns… is that true?
I wasn’t planning on saying much… obviously there was something I wanted to say!!!
However, the purpose of this post was to be much more superficial… only that I try to update the “About Me” Page on the blog every year or so. I just did, so if you want to see what’s changed, check it out. Also, those of you who know me well, I’d love to know your thoughts… what your are surprised I included, left out or glossed over!!! Often times other see us better than we see ourselves!
Thank you dear friends for your love and support over this past year and a half. I’m so so so grateful. I can’t imagine this road with out you.
PS.. and a note about the photo… this is my MUCH loved family! My parents and 4 siblings. In the last 10+ years we have all gotten married (except my brother due to marry next year) and had all these wonderful kids! A crazy multiplication! BUT SO awesome to be together!