I think it might be time for a rainbow baby!!!

I’m now about 13 weeks pregnant and getting more excited as time passes. Nervous and excited, worried and at peace knowing this is a different baby, hopeful and yet doubtful at the same time.

I’m not usually a pesamistic person, but with this pregnancy, this time around, I’ve found that I’m not quite as hopeful or as excited as with previous pregnancies. Some of it I think is an attempt to protect myself from more hurt and pain, just in case this pregnancy doesn’t lead to a healthy baby towards the end of March. Even though it seems like it is protective it really isn’t. If this baby doesn’t survive there will still be hurt, pain, greiving, loss and tears. No matter how much I try to protect myself, it really isn’t going to change anything.

As I’ve been learning this… slowly… I’m trying to throw myself in without abandon. To love this baby, celebrate this baby, be imensely excited about this baby and trust that God loves the baby and cares for him/her more than I ever could.

God knows my heart and He knows this little one. He has a good and perfect plan in store for our family and this I firmly believe. I don’t say that because it’s what a good christian should say. I truly believe it with my whole heart. If I didn’t believe it, how would I ever be able to trust God? How could I know that He is powerful to preserve and grow and mature this little one? If I wasn’t certain He is in control of every detail then He is isn’t worth following or believing. There wouldn’t be a solid rock to stand on or a firm foundation in which to find security. All would be like the tossing waves, never knowing what was coming next or if God was taking care of it or letting things slide. My God is so much greater than this! He is caring for me and my family and I know this to be true.

After the events of the past year I believe this and know this with certainty and beyond a doubt. I can’t say that events haven’t shaken my world… they have… but knowing I have a firm foundation means that the world isn’t going to crumble away and leave me falling. Knowing I have a faithful God who is on my side and will never leave me and only desires good for me is worth having… it’s the ONLY thing worth having.

I know some would say how can you believe that if God would let your baby die. He did allow it, I don’t believe he caused it. I also believe His plan and His vision is much greater than mine… He rules the world and orchestrates every detail… there is no way I could even attempt that!!! And I won’t even attempt to understand the ‘why’… God knows and I trust Him.

I wasn’t intending that tangent, but I guess it needed to come out! I mainly wanted to announce that another baby is on the way! The kids are super excited and Aisling prays for the baby each day and asks me “How is baby doing today”. She also likes to tell EVERYONE that she is going to have another baby in our family… including the emplyees at Trader Joes, the mailman, all the neighbors and anyone walking their dog past the house! It’s cute! The boys too are excited in their own way. They don’t talk about it quite as much, but they mention it frequently and say they are glad there will be a new baby. We are all glad and looking forward to the safe arrival of this little one.

If it weren’t for Avi, this little one wouldn’t be here. I’m thankful for both of them.

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