Last Friday we had a little memorial service for our precious little boy, missing from our family. We had it at home and it marked one month since he was delivered. As a family we buried him next to Avi a few weeks ago, but waited a bit for a good day to hold a little service for him, in our home, with close friends and family.

I still think of him daily and miss him. Avi should be 6 months old and I should be almost 24 weeks pregnant with Jussi, but I’m not, and he isn’t. I miss them both, and I will for a long long time… no… for all of this life.

I know I have been MIA for a bit and probably will be slow in returning. I’ve hardly posted this entire year. My mind wanders and I have a hard time staying on task or focusing long enough to write about whatever I thought I was going to post on. Hopefully that will come back as the greif starts to mellow.

I didn’t have much of a purpose posting today, except that I wanted to share the letter I wrote to my little Jussi and burried with him.

My dear Jussi Emmanuel,

I love you dear little one. I’ve loved you deeply since the day I knew you had been created by God. I was so excited to be pregnant with you. The whole family was looking forward to your arrival and praying that God would grow you into a strong baby, to join us in late March or early April. I teased you wouldn’t get here til April… but you didn’t make it that far.

I just knew something wasn’t right around 16 weeks. I hadn’t felt you move and I was so looking forward to that. I know you moved a lot before then, but I didn’t get to feel it. You left this world to early. You weren’t supposed to die. Your brother wasn’t supposed to die. But you both did and now you are with him and in the arms of Jesus.

How can I wish anything else for you than to be in that perfect place with your brother and with our God. But I do wish I could have held you, nursed you, changed your diapers, looked into your eyes and answered your cries for milk or just for a cuddle. I wanted to see you grow up into a toddling little boy wanting to be just like your siblings. I hoped to see you run and jump and climb trees. But I have to wait.

I wanted so much for you, but God had different plans. He wanted you home sooner than any of us would have liked. I do wish you were here, but I’m also happy that you don’t have to experience all the pain, sorrow, sin, loss and disappointment that this world has to offer. You got to skip that and go right to Jesus.

I want you to know I love you and I’ve always loved you and I will never stop loving you. I miss you so so so much and will never forget you, not till the day I die.

I love you, my precious baby Jussi. I miss you.

Your loving mama