As the feelings of grief and tears are still fresh and raw my heart remembers and grieves for my baby boys and so many other babies.
A few nights ago I had a Christmas dinner with friends and was at a table with a pregnant mama, a mom with a less than 1 year old and a mother with a miscarriage earlier this year. The talk went to babies and birth quite quickly as usually happens. Everyone knew my story, but it wasn’t mentioned. The talk was a painful reminder, although, I don’t blame them in the least.
Because of these interactions and conversations, Jussi and Avi have been more on my mind yesterday evening and this morning. As I was making breakfast I was thinking how my belly should have had dust from making grits on it and grease splatter from bacon. Usually that would have upset me as it’s so hard to keep a pregnant belly clean. But now I only wish I could have that problem… trying to keep my shirt stain free for the day.
As I was thinking this, my mind traveled to the other mama’s I know who also miss babies they never got to know. As I started thinking… my mind kept listing more and more babies that are missing.
Earlier this morning I received a text of yet another mama I know who just lost her baby at 41 weeks. Heartbreak. Tears. More pain.
Babies… babies? Where are you going?
Why don’t you stay?
There are mama’s who miss you and SO want you.
Why do you come for a short time, but leave before we get to know you?
Come to arms that ache for you and hearts that yearn for you.
While I had grits and sweet potatoes on my hands from making our morning meal, I grabbed a pen and just started writing all the names of the mama’s with missing babies I know from the last two years. The list was astounding. So, so many babies.
The total lies around 14 little babies… in TWO YEARS! More than every other month a baby is leaving us. What is going on? And these are all people that I text, I call, I live with, I care for, I have friendships with. None of them are people I’ve heard about through the grapevine or were childhood friends that I’m not in contact with anymore. I KNOW these women.
These babies… some born too early, some with hearts that stop too soon, some that are barely here before leaving, some that have left around 36 or 39 weeks, some only make it half way through the pregnancy, some are babies held in mothers arms and some are too little.
Almost exactly half of these babies were more than 20 weeks when their lives waned away, lost.
I know some of you reading this know that you are one that I counted. I count these lives as precious. I miss them, and I look forward to one day all being together. Until then, it’s so sad to be missing these little ones especially around Christmas.
This time of year everything is about a baby boy coming to a young mama. A baby boy loved and expected for hundreds of years by the whole world. Nativities are up in front of churches and homes, sermons talk about this baby and his mama and her cousin and the miraculous arrival of this precious baby.
As we hear these stories it’s a constant reminder of the babies we were expecting that aren’t with us now or in our arms. Pieces of our hearts are missing because of them, and yet we gladly give our love to them. Our arms and bosoms ache for babies we never got to know.
I so miss my baby boys, and I know you miss your babies too. And I miss them with you especially during this Christmas season.