I miss my baby boy. He was due to be born today. But he won’t be. I did get to hold him this past November, but not nearly long enough. And I will never again get to hold him on this earth. I miss that… A lot. I yearned for that, the 5 months I carried him inside me. I prayed he would be born close to his due date, healthy and alive. But that prayer wasn’t answered in the way I had hoped. I still greatly morn his loss.

I want to be largely pregnant… Due any day… Friends expectantly awaiting the news that labor has started. I actually even wish for labor as crazy as that sounds.

Easter was yesterday. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Jussi I was excited that he would be due close to such a special holiday. Its was also a dear friends birthday yesterday  and how fun to have a baby so close to another special day even if I did expect to deliver late!

Those special days came and went and my baby is far from here. Not to ever arrive close to these dates. With the celebration of Easter and the resurrection of my Savior, it was also a bitter reminder of my son, dead, never to rise on this earth. My Savior did rise but my son isn’t a savior, and he won’t come back to me.

My heart aches for him. I love him so much and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t hug him. I can’t hold him close I can’t snuggle him or look in his sweet face. That day passed in November, and it was only a few hours I got to see him. Never again.

My heart breaks for both my boys. There is such a deep love for both of them and it hurts so much. There aren’t word to describe the ache that doesn’t go away. I don’t often sit and think of them, knowing the tears that will fall. My children still ask for a baby sibling and I hope for the same, but there will never be a replacement for Avi and Jussi.

My boys. I love you. I miss you. And I always will.