There has been much uncertainty in life before, will I get invited to the party, did my perm turn out too curly, will he propose, did Dad say yes, will we get the house, when will the baby be born, is the baby deaf, how will we get health insurance, can we pay the mortgage this month, will we eat more than beans and rice, will our baby live, will we have another baby, what is wrong with me?
The questions and uncertainties just get larger as life goes on. I think I often felt that after big questions in my life were answered and solved it couldn’t be any bigger or any worse or any more confusing… but it happens.
The waiting in the middle of the uncertainty is so hard. It seems meaningless. It doesn’t seem to serve any purpose but pain, worry, and thousands of mental gymnastics trying to work things out. Taking a step back and letting God lead the little steps in life isn’t what I usually go for. I try to work it out, plan it out, and make it happen. I don’t want to sit and wait. There needs to be a plan.
I know God has a plan for me. But I’m having a very hard time waiting for it. I don’t know what that plan is and maybe I won’t like it. Maybe I won’t get what I want. Maybe it will be a long time before I even know what the plan is. Maybe I will never know. How can I be patient? And do it with joy?
My soul is unsettled. It feels like a rolling sea. I can’t see the shore and I’m not sure in what direction I need to travel. Sometimes I feel like if I only knew the direction then I could start off and continue even if I couldn’t see shore, because I knew I was going the right way. But not now. I have no idea what way is up and in what direction is safety… and I don’t see Jesus walking to me on the water. All direction seems quiet. How do I know where to go?
I feel David deeply:
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,”
Psalm 13: 1-3
I feel forgotten. But I know I’m not forgotten. I feel like God is hiding from me. But I know He is not. I have sorrow, but God says joy will come in the morning. I feel like the light is gone from my eyes, but Christ is the true light.
David closes Psalm 13 with:
“But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
David is like me… or I’m like him… I know how I feel… but I need to place all that before the Throne of Grace. I need to choose to see God for who He says He is and delight in that. I do see how He has blessed me over and over in the past. He has walked with me through many ups and downs and He won’t leave me now. Why do I doubt?
Lord, give me faith when I have none, hold me up when I’m too weak to stand. Be with me when I feel alone and guide me when my way seems lost. Please be with me through each moment of every day. I’m in desperate need of You.