It has been a few weeks since I’ve posted and blogging at the moment has not been much in my thoughts during that time. I actually forgot about it for a bit. That said, my heart really isn’t in it’s usual place. What I find fascinating and excited to share with you isn’t as exciting at the moment.
I still very much mourn the loss of my little boy Avi and that’s mostly what I think about these last few weeks… and about how I can hold it together to care for my family as best I can. The days don’t quite seem as bright as they used to and food definitely doesn’t hold the passion it did a few months ago.
The outward appearance of our lives hasn’t changed all that much. We still live in the same house, we still homeschool, we still make the majority of our food, we still host a winter CSA, still attend our church and see and talk with our closest of friends. However, things have changed…
Grief is a crazy thing. It really knocks you to your knees and makes you think about what is most important and what matters and what you want most. The days feel foggy… and I feel kinda lost. The days seem long and never ending and yet the weeks march on. Time continues and I feel left behind… almost like I’m in another world. I’m not quite here, I’m kinda in my own place, but also share it with those around me. I feel disconnected to what else is going on around me. Part of that is because I don’t have the mental capacity right now to even care. Even though I love my friends and family I don’t have the space within me or the energy to inquire about their lives…. and I feel terrible for it.
The loved ones who have poured into our lives and have lifted us up in prayer and have provided endless meals for us…. I don’t know what is going on with you. I’ve taken so much and I’ve given nothing and yet you still give and give and give…. Thank you.
My life feels crazy different from a month ago and it is. But it’s the same too. And I’m hoping the part that is missing will slowly begin to return. That the things I really enjoy in life and that I’m passionate about will lead to me sharing them via the blog again.
I don’t want to end on a Debbie Downer note…. this is just a pause. I don’t have it in me to expend the energy it takes to take photos and blog about our lives. I’m sure I’ll share here and there, but it definitely won’t be as consistent as before.
But I’m totally planning on this being a pause. I’ll return… new recipes will appear and grace your table. Our homeschool escapades and CSA shares and fun books to read will come back… one day… hopefully soon.
Until then, I’ll miss you….