Though You Slay Me

I’ve been having a pitty party lately. It’s spring and there is new life everywhere. Last week four friends announced new pregnancies to me. I love these Mamas and I love these little ones just conceived. I’m sad for me. I want that to be me. But it’s not.

There is an emptiness. I miss two boys, but I also feel like there are little people missing from our family. Tears fall as I wonder what is the meaning of it all. Why the pain? Why the uncertainty? Why me? What did I do wrong? What am I not doing right?

I love working at the birth center. I love seeing newborns enter the world. I love hearing their first cry. I love seeing a mother fall in love at first sight and a proud papa standing behind his wife and new baby. My heart sings at the beauty and my heart also cries at the yearning within. What did they do right?

I’ve been playing this song over and over lately and letting the words sink in to my soul. I need this truth. It all feels like it is no good. It’s meaningless. It feels like there is no purpose. Do I listen to my feelings or what God says is true?

“Though You Slay Me” (featuring John Piper) from Desiring God on Vimeo.

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord

Where else can I turn? Who else do I have to run to?

The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

But why does it have to be this way? I don’t like being broken, weak and hurting. Why such deep pain and loss? I don’t understand this love.

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

I sing… I sing through tears. I sing on my knees. I sing to God who holds me whether I want to recognize it or not.

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

He keeps all my tears. He has them numbered. He cries with me.

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name

It’s so hard to praise Him and bless His name when He takes from me. But I WILL. I trust my Father who gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

{John Piper}
[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need.

He is all I need.  I need to spend more time at His feet.  Meditating on Him.  Seeking Him.  Finding ALL I need in Him.  I may not ever know the meaning on this earth, but I can know it isn’t all meaningless.  There is a purpose and a plan.  I can rest in His embrace.

4 thoughts on “Though You Slay Me

  1. Yes. Amen. Amen, again. We were just talking about this- the girls and I. How we like to remember the happy promises but we forget that He promises the He will tear us apart in order to build us into something that we could never build ourselves into. He is making this world something that we could never imagine simply by doing this with each one of us. There is an unseen purpose to the pain. Love you friend.

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    1. Thank you friend. I’m know you and the girls are walking a similar road. Praise God for His mercies anew, each and EVERY morning.

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  2. Once again, I am so encouraged by your strong faith, raw honesty, and perseverance. Over and over you turn TOWARD God and not away from Him–reminding me of Job. I will pray for strength, peace, hope, joy, and encouragement for you today!

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    1. Thank you friend. It’s a battle in a long war that ends in known victory and rest! Praise God we get to know the end!!! Thank you Jesus.

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