Happy First Birthday Jussi

Wow! It’s been a year. How has it gone so quickly and how does it feel so long ago?

I can now think about you and not always cry. I do think about how different my life would be if you were here right now. The diaper bag sits empty in my closet, I don’t have diapers and extra clothing littering the floor of the car. The stroller and pack n play don’t live in my trunk. There aren’t baskets of baby toys on the floor. We don’t do morning naps anymore.  I’m not awake all hours of the night. There isn’t a pail full of dirty diapers waiting to be laundered. I don’t have countless snacks hidden in every bag, both cars and always on hand.  There aren’t baby baths to give. I’m not breastfeeding so clothing choices are much simpler.

All these things can seem like chores or drudgery or endless meaningless tasks. Life does seem simpler at the moment, but I would happy do all those things if you were here.

I’ve thought about how our summer camping would have been very different, our school field trips and just everyday life.  There is an empty spot you were meant to fill and it’s still empty and I feel it very much.

Your sisters talk about you a lot.  They ask when we will have another baby Jussi and I say we never will.  There was only one baby Jussi.  We won’t see him again til we see Jesus.  There might be other babies, only the Lord knows.  Even if we do, there will still be a perfect Jussi sized spot where you are missing.  And I want it that way.  I don’t ever want to forget you or try to replace you.  You are your own person, perfectly created by God, that definitely cannot be replaced.

I miss you and I love you.  It’s been one year, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.  Happy Birthday baby boy.