Category: Family Happenings

Happy First Birthday Jussi

Wow! It’s been a year. How has it gone so quickly and how does it feel so long ago? Continue reading “Happy First Birthday Jussi” →

It’s been a while. Posting hasn’t been quite as frequent lately!!! Wow! Time flies when business creeps into your life. Friends recently have commented to me on my blog and writing and state things like, “Well, I couldn’t do it. I’m not a writer.” Sorry to disappoint… I’m not a writer either! Continue reading “I Choose Joy” →

When life gets hard, I just want to go inward. I want to build up a thick wall and hide. I don’t want to talk to people, I don’t want to grow relationships, I don’t want to give of myself or my time or my money. I don’t want to serve others, my husband or my children. My walls get thick and my face is hard against anyone who dares try and enter the soft spots of my heart. Continue reading “A War Within” →

We had an amazing opportunity to travel to White Sulpher Springs for family camp this past week. The week was better than we could have imagined! Top of the list for me was that there was no cooking, no snack making, no food prep what-so-ever!!!! I don’t think I’ve ever had a week out of the kitchen ever! Continue reading “Family Camp 2016 at White Sulpher Springs” →

There has been much uncertainty in life before, will I get invited to the party, did my perm turn out too curly, will he propose, did Dad say yes, will we get the house, when will the baby be born, is the baby deaf, how will we get health insurance, can we pay the mortgage this month, will we eat more than beans and rice, will our baby live, will we have another baby, what is wrong with me? Continue reading “Future Uncertainty” →

In time you think the death grip that grief has on you starts to lesson. You think it starts to fade a little and back off. A little light starts to shine again. Little things start to bring some joy. Life starts to have a bit of light in the darkness. But just as you start to feel like things seem to be getting better.

Grief grabs you again… and pulls you down and into the darkness.

It can be so unexpected and catches you off guard. It feels so lonely. No one else knows what your heart is feeling. You have to walk this road alone even though friends and family are right next to you. There is still a truth that you have to feel it all for yourself.

I thought the storm was starting to let up. I thought it was starting to fade and that maybe I would see a rainbow and rays of light through the clouds. But I think it was just in the eye of the storm. That clearing now seems gone. The storm seems to rage once again.

I’m grateful I have a Savior who is with me in the eye of the storm. He knows me better than I know myself. He crys with me. He knows my desires and my grief. He holds my boys when I can’t. I choose to trust You, Lord.

Today on the radio I heard this song and it really spoke to my soul. There were about 5 songs in a row that either I hadn’t heard before (this one), or were ones that have been life lines for me through this last year and a half. I could see God’s care and His messages spoken to me through the talet and songs of so many.

Thank you Jesus for each grace You show. That helps me see bits of You when all seems so dark and confusing. Thank you for taking my hand and leading me when I can’t see the way. When I don’t have the faith to press on, You seek me out and lift me up and carry me.

Eye of the Storm
Ryan Stevenson

When the solid ground is falling out, from underneath my feet,
Between the black skies and my red eyes, I can barely see
And when I’m feeling like I’ve let down by my friends and my family, I can hear the rain reminding me

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I’m running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus’ name

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When they let me go and I just don’t know how I’m gonna make ends meet
I did my best now I’d scared to death that we might lose everything
And when a sickness takes my child away, and there’s nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You, I trust you Lord

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

Thank you, Jesus.

I feel like I have so much to say and yet not so much to say at the same time.  It’s been a hard past few weeks as evidenced by my last post.  Just a deep yearning for a new little one to join our family and yet that time hasn’t come.  It seemed that time would come about a year ago and yet that yearning has been denied twice.  I thought my life would be so different than it is… and it is so different that I had expected.

Because of a dear friend, every time I see a cardinal I think of dear baby Avi… and also thanks to her… once the monarchs return it will be a reminder of Jussie.  It’s such a blessing to have unexpected sightings of these birds and insects to remind me of my boys. There is a part of me that wants to forget the sorrow and pain and remove the clouds and darkness and have only light return, but at the same time I don’t want to forget.  These boys were so loved by me and the kids and Brian.  They shouldn’t be forgotten.  And they won’t be forgotten.  I do want the pain to be forgotten, but it never will be.  It’s a new normal.  Not to ever change.  Pain to last for the rest of my life.  But a pain I don’t want to forget either.  I still haven’t gotten used to this… will I ever?

There are many who have done this before me… I’ve been told that the rawness heals a bit, but it never completely goes away.  And sometimes the rawness unexpectedly returns… is that true?

I wasn’t planning on saying much… obviously there was something I wanted to say!!!

However, the purpose of this post was to be much more superficial… only that I try to update the “About Me” Page on the blog every year or so.  I just did, so if you want to see what’s changed, check it out.  Also, those of you who know me well, I’d love to know your thoughts… what your are surprised I included, left out or glossed over!!!  Often times other see us better than we see ourselves!

Thank you dear friends for your love and support over this past year and a half.  I’m so so so grateful.  I can’t imagine this road with out you.

PS.. and a note about the photo… this is my MUCH loved family!  My parents and 4 siblings.  In the last 10+ years we have all gotten married (except my brother due to marry next year) and had all these wonderful kids!  A crazy multiplication!  BUT SO awesome to be together!